The following post is an edited transcript of the video version of Kristine & Carmen’s episode titled, “Did I Forgive, Even Though I Can’t Forget?” You can view the video conversation here:

Did I really forgive the person if I’m not able to forget? Sometimes memories of past pain pop up suddenly. I can be walking down the aisle at the grocery store, see a person who hurt me, and all those feelings start flooding back. I want to avoid them, so I speed to the next row so that I can avoid facing them.

I understand the need for forgiveness, and I believe God wants us to forgive. His Word shows us this in Colossians 3:13, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

But where I struggle is, how do I know if I’ve really forgiven? When those memories come flooding back, I feel the familiar anger and bitterness returning. Does that mean I didn’t really forgive the person?

What the Bible Says About Forgiving and Forgetting

Many of us have heard the familiar phrase, “Forgive and forget,” but is it even possible?

My co-host Carmen Horne encourages us with this truth: One of the great benefits of our salvation is that Jesus chooses to forget our sins. He separates our sins from us as far as the east is from the west.

“He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” (Psalm 103:12)

Carmen goes on to say that we can take comfort in knowing our memories are not like a computer hard drive where we can wipe those things out. (You can hear the audio version of this episode on the podcast here.)

We have our memories, and that’s okay. God created us that way. He calls us his masterpiece. He said the day he created Adam and Eve was a good day, so we can have peace knowing God doesn’t expect us to forget.

It’s what we do with our memories that matters.

The Relationship Between Taking Our Thoughts Captive and Forgiveness

In a previous episode, we talked about the importance of taking our thoughts captive and ways to do that. There are so many situations that can trigger us; or in other words, remind us of the hurt we went through. Those things can ambush us. When they do, we need to pause, give ourselves a talk, and remind ourselves that we chose to forgive the offense.

It can also help to offer ourselves grace through the process.

Because it’s easy to entertain bad memories when they try to take over. I can sense bitterness starting as a small seed and beginning to grow. When bitterness tries to take root and I question whether I’ve really forgiven, here are the first two steps in applying the daily discipline of taking my thoughts captive.

Step one: Recognize the bitterness when it happens, and praise God that I’m able to recognize it.

Step two: Take control of that thought by reminding myself who God is.

Once I deal with those thoughts, I will be able to resist the lie that says I haven’t forgiven, just because I can’t forget what happened.

In Psalm 25, David gives us a beautiful example of forgiveness that relates to how I’m able to forgive in my life today. In Psalm 25:11, David says, “For the honor of your name, o Lord, forgive my many, many sins.” But just before he asks God to forgive him, he proclaims the goodness of God’s character.

“Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love, which you have shown from long ages past. Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord.” (Psalm 25:6-7)

Our lives are messy. We’ve made mistakes in our past, and there’s nothing we can do in our own strength to fix that. I can sometimes think that forgetting is something I need to do, and by forgetting, I’m taking action to show God (and myself) that I’ve forgiven. But David shows us a better way. He points out God’s character. He asks God not to remember him because of his faults but in light of who God is. So when we’re tempted to question if we’ve forgiven, we can apply this truth from David’s example.

God’s forgiveness is not available to us because of our actions but because of his character.

Because God forgives, I forgive. And God will help me through my struggles with the bad memories.

When we want to be mad, and we want someone to pay for our hurts, we have the power to take those thoughts captive and make the daily choice to forgive. Not by our own strength, but because of an amazing, loving God.

How We Feel About Forgiving but not Forgetting

When memories resurface from past hurt, it stinks. It feels awful. The pain can be recent and raw, or it can return unexpectedly after a long time.

Either way, it’s okay to feel that pain. Part of taking our thoughts captive is getting to the place where we can say, “Lord, somehow you are going to use this. I give this unbearable pain to you.”

Carmen reminds us once again that we have hope in this: Just because we have memories of something bad that happened to us doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven that person. Praise God that he will guide us as we process what we can’t forget!

Forgiveness is not only a choice, but it is supernatural. We can release the burden of forgetting as we take our hurts to the Lord. Each time a memory of past hurt returns, we have the opportunity to learn, grow in his grace, and allow God to help us work through those memories to live the abundant life he gives.

“There’s purpose in our pain.” We toss this catchy phrase around often when someone we know is going through difficult times. We hope it will give us some semblance of comfort or encouragement when what we’re experiencing is too painful to bear. But really, in the midst of harsh pain, these words offer little help. Because it’s hard to see any good if God isn’t answering your prayers for relief.

On a particularly challenging day, the last thing I want to think about is God’s greater purpose for the pain I’m feeling. I just need to get through that moment.

Pain keeps our minds focused on what’s hurting instead of God’s goodness. And the truth is, sometimes God doesn’t remove our pain. So how do we navigate that, as women of faith? How do we hold on to hope and keep praying for healing, knowing God may have left this “thorn in the flesh” for us to deal with?

Why Doesn’t God Remove My Pain?

Many of you have reached out to me and shared your pain-filled stories. I’m in awe of the perseverance you’ve shown through the adversity you’ve faced. But even the strongest people I know have moments where weakness takes over. Discouragement sets in with a big dose of despair not far behind.

I for one try not to linger too long in the “why” of God’s plan. I can get so caught up in the questions that I get distracted from what I do know, and that is this: God is faithful, even when we don’t feel it.

So rather than asking why, let’s seek God’s Word about the pain we experience in this life. God gave us the apostle Paul’s story as an example. Let’s look at how Paul handled his affliction. We can learn much from his response when God didn’t remove his pain.

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:7-9 ESV)

2 Corinthians 12:9 is one of my favorite verses. I love the idea that God’s grace is there for me in my weakness. When I’m absolutely zapped of my strength, God’s power is perfected. What a promise! Paul goes on to say:

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I’d say Paul set the bar pretty high for someone like me. I cringe a little when I think about actually being content in calamity. God’s still working on me. But this week I came across a verse in Psalm that settled this truth in my heart.

“This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” (Psalm 119:50)

I wrote the verse on a sticky note and pasted it to my laptop where I can read it again anytime pain sets in. God’s promises are good and true, and if we invite him into our suffering, he will pour into us from his life-giving supply.

3 Hope-filled Ways Affliction Helps Us

I walked out of my new doctor’s office with replenished hope. She gave wise advice about managing some ongoing pain I’d been battling for years, including practical tips for taking care of my health. My husband could sense my enthusiasm as I told him all about it. I thought I had finally received an answer to my prayers! But a week later, the pain returned with a vengeance. One step forward, two steps back.

Sitting with the Lord in prayer in the days following the appointment helped me shift my perspective. I realized I had turned my focus toward the pain, which wasn’t doing me any good. Through a whole lotta prayer time and seeking the Lord about my trial, I discovered three things I could learn from my affliction. These 3 truths brought much-needed peace, and I pray they will do the same for you.

One: Affliction keeps our focus on what’s most important.

A life-threatening diagnosis changes just about everything. It alters how we live day-to-day, how we spend our time, and our priorities. It brings what’s most important back into focus.

After a cancer battle, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with the people I love. I wanted to put my phone down, look at them when they spoke, and lean into every word. I held each occasion together as a treasure in my heart. Then I noticed that over time, I started getting distracted again.

It’s a challenge to find the beauty in painful seasons, but my priority reset was just what I needed. And my affliction helped me get there. I couldn’t let the routine of daily life lure me back toward unnecessary things, so I made adjustments to keep first things first.

Now, if I have to lay down and rest, I use that time to pray for my family and friends. If I can’t do as much physically as I used to do, I make a point to put get-togethers at the top of my list. I try to view the pain as a weekly and sometimes daily reminder of the most important things in my life.

Two: Affliction reminds us to take proper care of ourselves.

I remember a time in my life when I had so many plates spinning, it was only a matter of time before they crashed to the floor. And boy, did they crash in a big way.

Soul care not only helps ease our physical pain, but also aids in mental wellness. We want to be our best selves for our people, and pain will try to derail us. Let’s refuse to let it by finding ways to make our physical, mental, and spiritual health a priority.

Whenever pain hits, I try to think about simple ways to care for myself. What will ease the pain? What healthy choices will lead to feeling better? I may not be totally thrilled with the idea of getting out of bed and going for a walk, but that’s something that always seems to lift my spirit.

Maybe you enjoy a few minutes of quiet time with your favorite devotional or playing worship music on hard days. Prayerfully consider what works for you in this season, then find one simple thing to put into practice.

(For helpful ideas on soul care tips, visit my friend Lyli Dunbar.)

Three: Affliction ensures our dependence on God to provide.

God is my Healer. He healed me from deadly disease and also healed my heart in ways that would fill this page. I will never cease praying for healing for myself and others who are suffering. I believe in God’s healing power.

I also have peace today. Because one thing affliction teaches us is that we can trust God’s no as well as his yes.

Your perseverance hasn’t gone unnoticed, dear friend in the faith.

We don’t have to seek purpose in our pain to know God will be with us through it. So if you’re dealing with an affliction and it seems God hasn’t answered your prayer, may this day and these truths bring you renewed hope. Let’s invite him to walk with us through the pain and watch how he transforms us by his perfect power.